A New Kind of Love

Yours truly here tried all of February to come up with something positive to write about love; being that love is "celebrated" in said month. I don't know whether I'm more amused or cynical because I was unable to construct a single positive thought about the topic. However, that's old news.

I admit to having been a disgustingly hopeless romantic at one point in my life. I also admit I let that get me into some trouble as far as the choices I made in some of my previous relationships. Sometimes you should take actions that benefit you as an individual, rather than think of you and another person as an item, and therefore deny yourself things that you may not see coming into your life for a long time; if not ever.

Anyway... For someone who would like to say "I've felt love before, and I can recognize exactly what it is at this point in my life," I'm not certain it'd be a completely true statement until today. The reason, however, is not that I've patched things up with an ex, met someone new who has swept me off my feet, or started dating someone of my own gender (come on, you know bitter women experiment more than others). The kind of love I seem to have "stumbled upon" is one I actually was not prepared to know, or feel, much less experience right now. For some time, I didn't even think I'd ever be ready, or even want it. That's the truth. But life spins you around, and through no other action than your very own, you end up in the center of consequence. Whether it's good or bad, will always be up for debate; but how you feel and carry yourself throughout your situation will define your life and the life you've created.

So in other words, I haven't actually MET the person I absolutely, with no doubt in my mind or heart, love more than anything and anyone I've ever had in my life. I don't know what gender this person will be born with, I don't know what this person will look like. I don't even know when exactly this person will finally arrive. I do know, however, that without any of that knowledge, I already feel..... whole.

And no matter what the circumstances are, I also feel immensely grateful.

Happiness

There is nothing more ironic than watching the man you once loved give to someone else the one thing (and everything) you wanted and he denied to you; and finding yourself to be okay with it.

People keep telling me how friendships last forever while marriages don't. I'm not so sure it matters in the end. I believe you build relationships with people, friendships included, which are as strong as the effort, trust, time and truth you invest in them. I also believe that nothing lasts forever. I'm not a believer of guarantees, and the only ones I can accept are the guarantees for death and taxes. Oh, wait. There's also Karma.

Anyway. When you realize that a chapter of your life has closed and a relationship you once had with someone has morphed into something else, your happiness, perhaps, is no longer what you once wanted. Sometimes knowing that this person who means so much to you has some sort of happiness in their life, really is enough. Does this mean you're never going to feel disappointment and anger anymore? No. But at least it means you're not a selfish asshole, bitter, forgotten, and wishing some bad shit on somebody.

Culmination

Sometimes you just have to stop trying to swim upstream and accept that the current is either going to drown you or exhaust you until you drown yourself. When in this situation, make it easy on yourself.

Practicality can be the best thing you ever engage in. It's easier said than done, but sometimes you just know when you've reached a limit, gone the extra mile, spilled your last glass of milk, etc., and so you feel prepared to finally let go.

The Universe will test you. Life will test you. Be strong, believe in yourself, and maintain discipline. No one, not even yourself, can sabotage you if you do these things. Most importantly, believe in your cause, and believe that something better is coming your way. You can't get out of a shitstorm unless you decide to.

Sometimes the end really does come. Some people will tell you cliches like "nothing lasts forever" and other stupid shit... but I know better. Some cycles are hard to break, some nearly impossible. But... endings really are necessary when you find yourself in a repeating conflict that you can't seem to just take charge of. So take charge. Stop the cycle. End it now.

Second Chances

...Please don't panic; I'm not contemplating one.

Do second chances ever end well? Someone like me thinks not. It's simple, if you're so right for each other, so absolutely in love with one another and whatnot; why do you need a first chance to fuck it up and hurt each other and a second one to redeem yourselves? It just makes absolutely no sense.

Perhaps it's one of those "You gotta be there to appreciate it" situations, where really, you can look from the outside but never really know what it's like unless you're on the inside. Seriously, all bullshit aside, though... when was the last time YOU gave a second chance to someone and it actually worked out well? I may be wrong for making the assumption, and judgement, that second chances are simply big "Welcome! Please have a seat and fuck me over again" signs that we put up so that we can later feel sorry for ourselves, but how could one not consider it?? Is it done on purpose? Probably not, although masochism IS real. I've witnessed it.

Anywho...

For all those of you who say things like "Third time's the charm," here's a thought:

Would You Please Make Up Your Fucking Mind?

Indecisiveness. I get it. But still; quit dragging another person up and down with you. You know, you could possibly just make things as crystal clear as you phrase them when you projectile-puke them at the other person instead of saying one thing then doing another, and then going back to your original "I thought I told you that blah blah fucking blah fuck blah."

It's infantile. Grow up. Real men (and women) actually stick with and follow through what they say they're gonna do.

The Very Famous "I'm Going To Die Alone, But I'm Fine With It" Saga

You know... some animals actually disappear into complete isolation when they sense that they're going to die. I've always found that interesting.

Anyway. If you want to die alone, do me a favor... don't get involved with someone who doesn't. As a matter of fact, don't get involved with anyone. Just put yourself in your fucking bubble and stay there, away from people who can possibly love you, and die eventually; alone, like you've always wanted.

Makes it easier on everybody.

The Ghost Of Ex-Boyfriend Past

Ever have that weird dream where someone from your past returns to make amends? Does it mean YOU want closure or that you've actually found it? Weird, isn't it?

Now, why is it that once you find yourself in a good situation, relationship-wise, more people seem to want you? It's funny, almost. You meet someone and begin to establish something, things begin to feel good, things seem to run smoothly... then all of a sudden-- your cell phone plays the standard ringtone, which means whoever is calling isn't part of the usual group of people who call you; or you get an e-mail that makes you go "What the fuck????" for days. You get the point. Ah... what to do when the Ghost visits you?

Ig-fucking-nore it... that's what. If you've had your closure, chances are, so has this loser. Even if you haven't, chances are, this person has absolutely no need to contact you, other than to make you go "What the fuck????" for a few days.

So unless this is someone you had some sort of stable, longterm friendship with--like your best friend since 8th grade or something-- there probably isn't a necessity to allow this Ghost back into your life. However, if you have the power to pick up the phone, or send a reply to that e-mail and keep this person at arms' length-- although I still think it's a terrible idea-- you might just go ahead and answer. Sometimes you need to find out whether or not you are well past the point where the Ghost has any effect on you whatsoever.

Let's Talk About Collision. Yes, Collision.

I worked for a nice man a few years ago as his paralegal. During the time I worked for him, I got to know him thanks to his sincerity and being able to speak his mind on the spot. I like people like that. So one day discussing relationships in general, we touched on the subject of in laws meeting for the first time and possibly being completely different, as in conceived, born and raised on another planet. Those gatherings are interesting.

Anyway, I happened to use an expression more or less like this: "Well, you know, it can't be easy when two completely different families sit down at one table. I mean, you get married, you want to spend a holiday with your loved ones and your wife with hers. You learn to split the holidays or be at two places at once when possible. It's only fair that when two families collide, there is equally dedicated effort to bring possible mutual interests to the table so they can get to know each other...." and blah blah blah, he cuts in: "Did you just say collide? as in.... a car wreck? that's hysterical."

I liked the way it sounded. I'm not sure I actually meant to say that introducing your significant other's family to your own is ever really meant to turn out like a car wreck. But it was still funny. I like the term, anyway.

New Curtains, New Light...?

You'd be surprised what a huge difference they can make. Yes, curtains. It's almost like opening your eyes at night when it's pitch black and not being able to see squat, then you go back to sleep and someone turns the lights on and you open your eyes once more. WOW! You missed a bunch of shit while it was pitch black... like the pure assholishness of the mold of a man you seem to keep dating. Unbelievable. At least now, when the lights go off, it's YOU turning them off, and not that dickface. Good for you!

Anyway.

I met with my friend Pablo for dinner and talked about lots of things. A really interesting, and somewhat funny story was told to me. Apparently one of his female friends was having man issues and like most people, found herself in a destructive pattern-- dating the same type of men over and over. Pablo happened to point this out to her, but then, instead of suggesting that she break the cycle in other possible ways, he says "You should date a Caucasian." Uh... excuse me, but are we really there? Really? Uh, NO.

I mean, look, I get it. Latin women, we're complicated. We are a breed of women that don't like to settle. A lot of the time, we, women in general, tend to stay in not so good situations for whatever reason. I don't want to say being Latina will make you more prone to it than others. Maybe it's the kind of female friends Pablo surrounds himself with, I don't know. I just thought at that moment... can it really, REALLY come down to that?

And then I thought of the Colombian woman stereotype. Believe it or not, not ALL Colombian-born or raised, or blood-carrying women are golddiggers; or have had intensive plastic surgery in their lifetime. Believe me, I attest to this with a passion being one of the veeeeerrrryyyy few.

My words to Pablo: "At the end of the day, I'd like to think we're all.... different. I'm sure at times it may not seem like it. We all do horrible things to one another, male, female, Latin, Caucasian, etc. I really don't want to think that the answer to your friend's problem is simply dating a white guy."

Hmm.

Then it made me think for a minute. I've dated too many Caribbean men.

One Of My Stories

Ehhh, what the hell. This might make me feel better.
Jorge is one of the men that I think about and go "OUCH" because of. Oh, yeah. Let's just say that encountering what you never knew before and seeing it's real (a.k.a. "love") can take a whole lot out of you, at any given age. Jorge was and probably is in my eyes, perfect in most ways; wise, intelligent, very easy on the eyes, funny with maybe a bit too much of morbid humor and sarcasm, but fun nonetheless. Our values, morals, beliefs and general thoughts were intertwined from the moment we met, except for one small detail. Jorge had been through his share of relationship horror and by the time we met, he no longer wanted marriage or children.  Actually, come to think of it, Jorge didn't even want a relationship at all.

We seemed to hit it off quite well the first few months.  We had fun, and probably even a bit of chemistry going on between us.  He mentioned at one point the possibility of any prospective relationship failing terribly, because his latest ones really didn't make it past the first year or so.  But, of course, he said he'd like to try and see what would happen.

Plain and simple, I should have just walked away... year in or no year into said relationship. Oh, well.  Anyway, I believe it lasted around two years, maybe a little bit more.

Many unexpected things became known.  Among those, the fact that while actively dating me, Jorge had a pregnant woman friend somewhere, expecting none other than his first child. Yes, fucker friend, Mr. No Children and No Marriage. For a long time I wondered the why's and the how's , and even through constant communication, I still did not understand.  I remember the day his phone butt dialed me and I heard for the first time as Jorge played with his year and a half old son, and denied every bit of it that night when I confronted him. 

Broken trust, to this day it's something I'm not sure one can ever repair in a relationship.

I guess the cliche has some truth to it... time just might heal some wounds.

Eventually, the disappointment, the shock, the miscommunication just sort of lessened. Only when you come to terms with the truth and how things happened are you able to cope and move on. I don't know why things happened the way they did with Jorge. Fortunately, I have found my place in his life and his place in mine. Perhaps if we had not dated, we would have been nothing more than great friends. Either way, that is what we were for a long time, and the positivity that it brought into both our lives is absolutely priceless.


Moral of the story... there are many.

TBC'd.