How To Tell Sombody's A Fucking Asshole

Surely, if anyone can appreciate morbid humor, that person is me.  Now, I really should apologize in advance, as some of these are very offensive to certain people's personas.  Truth is, if you like lame shit, it's likely you possess some of these traits, and it's likely I'm going to diss you!  So for your sake, let's hope you don't possess ALL of these.

You can easily tell somebody's an asshole if:

 

1.  They do not like, or respect Rock and Roll.

Yes, seriously.  I know it's not for everybody, but you can't deny the driving force and inspiration that this music genre still embodies today.  From young rappers to pop singers, everyone wants to be a Rock Star; everyone wants to make hits like those from Rock Stars, aaannnnddd sadly enough, everybody tries to hard to make a big impression like..... Rock Stars.  And aside from that, where do you think lyrics and studio beats came from??? Somebody somewhere said, "Shit, that bass is something worth copying," and put on their Casio keyboard, turned on some speakers and decided to attempt a horrible mockery of it.... to some Rap lyrics.  True story.

 

2.  They make fun of you for being intelligent.

Yes.  Because whether or not they will admit to it, you intimidate them with your knowledge and good conversation; and it's easier to knock you and call you names, than it is to ask you what the last word you said means because they've never heard it before, nor can they ever attempt to spell it.  Get over it, losers.  Smart is the way to go.  If you feel so insecure about your brain, go read a book, learn some grammar instead of knocking someone that's articulate when they speak!

 

3.  They don't put salt or pepper on their food.

Because usually food needs one, or the other, or both.  So if you just want to sit there with a smirk and tell people your food is fucking perfect... you're an asshole, too.

 

4.  They're from New York and won't root for any New  York Sports Team.

And no self respecting New Yorker would ever not do that!!!

 

5.  Their favorite Beatle is Paul McCartney.

Yes, you know... "the lame one."

 

6.  They don't have headphones and go on blasting music on their cell phones.

Really, dude.  No one needs to hear what you like to listen to at full blast on a subway cart. Get over yourself.  That $600 iPhone would look great with some $.99 headphones.

 

7.  They claim to be a fan of the Yankees and the Mets.

I'm from Queens.  I'm a Mets fan.  I'm also from New York, so if and when the opportunity presents itself (especially around those fuckers called the Phillies), I root for New York.  Big difference.  I am not a fan of both teams; let's clarify that.  And no one else should be!

 

8.  They flake out when you've made plans, very often.

"My grandmother's neighbor's son's niece's friend's cat died" is not the best reason not to make it to something that was planned months in advance.  That's just an asshole move.

 

9.  They ask you for help with an assignment, or a hobby, and when you help and make them look good, they take all the credit for what was done.

NEED. I. SAY. MORE??

 

10.  They chill red wine, drink warm white wine, warm beer, and water down their whiskey!

Not to be a snob, but.... learn how to drink your stuff!

 

11.  They walk into a place of business and the first thing they ask for is the restroom.

Do you fuckers not have a toilet at home? Who leaves their house without going number one or two? Assholes.

 

 

Now, if you have any more suggestions or ideas that can help the world identify assholes everywhere, please share with us.  It is important that assholes all over can be quickly recognized, and avoided.  Or beat up.  Or thrown under a bus.

 

Cheers.

 

 

 



Our Time Has Passed

How do you accept that an opportunity you once had, has now come and gone, and you've missed it?  That's one of the lessons you learn as an adult, and most importantly, as a human being.  What you think will be there forever, or for longer than you think, will not.

This lesson in life applies to many aspects of living, whether it be educational and career opportunities, friendships, family members, activities and relationships.  As for career opportunities, I am a strong believer that you can always push yourself to accomplish almost anything.  It may sound like a cliché, but only when you experience the possibility yourself, and decide to get up off your ass and make shit happen, does shit really fucking happen.  That's the reality.

Now, when it comes to friendships, you should not take for granted those who lent you an ear, gave you a hand, or shared good and bad times with you.  Don't put off that phone call you've been meaning to make.  Don't cancel those dinner and drinks with your long time friend because you're too tired from work.  Make an exception; your friends (and actually, your family too), can be gone from one day to the next, leaving you with extreme regret and sorrow that you never made that person enough of a priority to see them or talk to them-- and now, they're gone.  I'm not trying to be grim here, fuckers.  I'm just saying, when you don't appreciate people, they get tired, they move on, or at least greatly reduce their involvement with you.

So...  if you've got great friends and a loving family, appreciate that; appreciate the people that put up with you when you're down, and share their laughter with you when you're not.

When it comes to living life, don't put off something you've always wanted to do.  It's understandable that financial strain will put a pause on many of your plans, but your responsibilities will always be there.  You should live life while you have the chance, or make the chance happen.  It may sound difficult, and it may even be very difficult, but in the words of one of my favorite athletes of all time, "IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING." - Muhammad Ali.   Therefore, live life.  Take that trip.  Buy that motorcycle.  Go parachuting.  Jump out of a plane, because you can.  Go hunt a wild boar.  Learn to dance.  Write a bad romance novel, if you'd like to.  Why the fuck not?

Now, let's move on to the part that would concern you, my readers, the relationships part. There are three kinds of relationships, in my eyes.  In no particular, special or specific order, they are:  Good relationships, Bad relationships, and Gray area never ending bullshit back and forth games.  Moving on....

Healthy relationships are those in which there is constant work and effort to improve the quality of life of all parties involved, a.k.a. situations where the positive constantly outweighs the negative.  Unhealthy are those where ego, selfishness, and other things take over the will of one or more parties involved to improve said quality of life.  You know, situations where the negative heavily outweigh the positive. The in between gray areas are those where one or more parties have issues making a commitment and yet for some reason can't fully walk away, can't allow you to move on with your life, can't seem to detach from memories, and won't completely treat you like a complete asshole either; making the situation even more difficult to surpass.

In the event someone you shared a bond with over a few years, decides to return to your life and make an effort to right the many wrongs they once did, it's important to remember that just as all bad things pass, all good things do as well.  Sometimes you have to sit down, and wonder how to articulate those feelings of hopelessness and assertion that indeed, your opportunity has ended.  You can't buy time, and you can't buy will.  That's the lesson, ladies and gentlemen.  While money can get you many wonderful things, it can't change the laws of life. 

Take advantage of your youth, of your abilities, of your intelligence, and live life.  The moment may rise when you'll want to BE better, DO better, LIVE better; and it may just be too fucking late.