Back To Square One

...How fun!

Now you figure out you've wasted however much time, effort and energy you've put into a one-sided relationship. Congratulations. Now keep moving and don't look back. You'll come across "greener pastures."

Open Relationships

Ideally, one writes well when one writes what one knows. Personally, yours truly here has absolutely no experience with open relationships, but has met people who do.

The other night talking with a close friend, I got to the conclusion that most people are unhappy, unsatisfied, and extremely sexually frustrated in long term relationships. How could this be? if you're with someone for a long period of time, you'd figure you both know each other well enough to please each other or at least maintain some level of compromise in the relationship. Anyway, my friend's situation is yet another example of this type of dilemma. I know this person well enough to state that she wouldn't be game for the whole open relationship business, and most likely, neither would her husband. Now, when it's just for the purpose of a physical fulfillment, what would the person on the opposite side of the spectrum say? In other words, if you knowingly sexually neglect your spouse/partner, how can you deliberately have any objection to an option like an open relationship? For what it's worth (and really, I'm only looking at all possible sides of this situation, nothing more), there's only so much a fucking toy can do for you. So let me examine this from the side of the neglected.

Him: "Baby, I'd like to open up this relationship. I'd like to get laid on a regular basis, and if you can't deliver, it's only fair that I try elsewhere. This won't interfere with US."

Me: "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Okay, that wouldn't go well. I admit it. Let me turn the tables for a minute.

Me: "Hey, I'd like to open up this relationship. I've tried for months to make this work, and it's not happening. You seem to want to be with me in most senses, except in the biblical way. I'm not sure if there is something else I can do that I haven't tried, but if there isn't, my next option is to just look for what I want elsewhere. So.... what do you think?"

Him: "If you're going to fuck someone else, I may just stop fucking you completely."

Yeah, I can't see it working for me; at all.

I wonder if people who go for this option can make it work. I wonder about a lot of things, don't I?

And if you do opt to have an open relationship, how do you not mix one (in other words, merely a booty call) with the other (namely this long term relationship with your stable partner)? Do you set up a schedule, kind of like when you move in with someone and decide to be neurotic about who does the dishes on mondays and takes out the trash on thursdays? Or do you just lie to your partner and say you've gotta work late while you go and get off with your jump-off only to spend your weekend with your adored significant other?

I just can't see this working out well. But that's just me.

Praising Good Relationships...

... and that doesn't necessarily mean romantic or sexual.

A friend of mine e-mails me in the middle of the night while feeling philosophical. Understand that although I'm an insomniac who deeply treasures sleep when it happens, I try and make myself quite available for a phone call or message to/from a friend who is going through a difficult time. So I get this message from The Monster (his nickname and he loves it, let it go) and read it, twice. I realize that not only has this message hit me with its own impact, I realize it's done it at a very appropriate time.

The Monster's Story Of My Life

"Sitting on the kitchen counter, well inebriated, dwelling on the past and obsessing of the future as I look at my glass, seeing part of my troubles, anger, sadness and loneliness in its liquid form waiting to be swallowed and pissed away. Unfortunately that's just temporary as they are soon to reappear at some point for me to repeat this vicious process.

Do nice guys really finish last? Fucking cliches. See right now my very neglected pal Instincts kicks me in the rear reminding me that I should've listened to it and not that dumb fool a.k.a Heart, who by the way, is running out of crazy glue to keep the fucker together. Is that what I'm fated to do the rest of my life, listen to good ol' Instincts? One would say that is the safest route but damn, that sounds like one very lonely road that is coming around the bend and me with no brakes. Pathetic, ain't it? Guess it's punishment for being blind and ignorant and wishing I had listened to those who truly care about me."

We're all human... we all suffer. Male, female, gay, straight, confused, curious, etc. Life throws at us challenges that often make us doubt ourselves, even without us admitting to it. I wonder if it's possible to have a healthy relationship before being romantically clusterfucked... or do we need to clusterfuck ourselves in order to become (someday) fit, ready and willing for a good, stable relationship? Is it all part of a learning process? I wonder.

What A Bunch of Cowshit!

Ever have somebody tell you "I care for you and don't want you to see anyone else, but I'm not ready for a commitment"? As unprepared for commitment as you may be, you should just leave that decision up to the other person-- you know, the dumbass you wanna tie down to you without giving yourself 100%? Yeah, that person. Let THEM decide. Why should YOU be the one who holds the future of this relationship when you're the one that:

a) is pushing them away, shutting them out or facing your own fuckedupheadness and using it as an excuse

b) want to play the field, without them knowing that

c) gets absolutely burnt when there is a shift in control

You should not. Let them decide. If they're naive and ridiculously into you so that they opt out of the rest of their options, then so be it. But you, you've really got no say in what someone does because you're too stupid/bitter/jaded or plain ol' immature to commit.

Next time you're gonna tell someone you care for them... show it.
Never deny them their options. And never deny yourself your own options.

Special Edition-- The Only Thing I Have Revealed Is That I Love Cows

That's right, I've said it.

Here's why this is a special edition entry:

-Real life's been so hectic that I'd rather not think about it and rant.
-The other night I came up with a couple of ideas, and someone lead me to a great title.
-I can actually use this title and relate it to my "horrid love stories" blog.
-I love cows.

All right. So you meet somebody... friend, love interest, bedding accessory (or prospect, whatev), and you talk. You have stuff in common from what you can tell, and yet, you get the feeling you're not getting enough info to pinpoint where all this might go. Sometimes people will mention their experiences, or give you examples of things, or start telling you about a place they've been in only to realize that they've probably let themselves go a bit beyond their safety line. So.... they shut down before you question them, or before they feel like talking to you all night long about themselves.

At the end of the milk harvest (pun well intended), or relationship if that's what you'd prefer to call it, you might realize that as much as you know this person... all they've ever really told you is... nothing.

Now, let's turn the tables. I guess I can be charged with the same lactose violation and therefore should not stone other cows for it. But honestly, how exactly do you find comfort, establish trust, and grow some cojones to tell the truth about yourself and bear your soul to another being? How? There is always a fear of judgment, I don't care who you are, who your partner is, or how great your relationship is. A part of you will always hesitate because you fear disappointment-- maybe not in your current relationship, but I'm certain this is one of those things we all face at one point or another.

The last time I trusted someone completely with my essence (by this I mean my past, present and future, not just the other kind of essence), assumptions bounced left and right, and you cannot... I mean, excuse me-- I cannot live that way. So as much as I'd like to say "I should have communicated, said more, specified, explained myself blah blah blah," the truth is, in a moment of confrontation all I wanted to say was "The only thing I have revealed is that I love cows. There is no way you can accuse me of participating in any type of action with them, whether it's dressing them up for a tea party or slaughtering them just because of that." A true statement, ladies and gentlemen. Just because you've fucked up in the past, your partner should never anticipate a major fuck-up in your current relationship because of that.

Before you point your finger at them, remember:

You're just as human.
You've made mistakes; some probably worse than theirs.
You've probably slaughtered a metaphorical cow or two.
*Listen* and listen carefully. Mentioning something doesn't make it an admission.
Ask a lawyer. Just not a cop :-P

I realize I've written a lot about screwing up. I'm starting to think anyone who reads this will think I'm carrying something heavy within, and I'm not. I find it easier to write this way rather than rant, bitch and moan about someone who's screwed up and hurt me over, and over, and over, and over. But perhaps in my eyes allowing that to take place is my own way of fucking up.

A Break From Pasture Mowing

Let me address just one thing. When screwing up, don't beat yourself up over it... the world will do enough of that for you. Live, learn, move on.

Pasture E: Making Yourself Unavailable

...to the dating market, that is. Usually because there is someone in the picture whom you want to try to work things out with, or he/she is some type of maniac asking your for exclusivity although he/she refuses to be with you officially. Wtf? Yes. I know.

Anyway... so you've got all the elements there, communication, chemistry, great sex. Maybe one of you is intimidated by a label and refuses to give the other person a little wiggle room, or maybe you're both fucktarded and don't notice that... hello, you're already in some sort of relationship but hey, let's call it something else... or some sort of shit like that. Yet, there are no commandments/rules & regulations or even a decent mutually beneficial agreement carved in stone. How smart is this?

Yes, this can make you crazy too. So stop confusing yourself.

I have nothing positive to say about this pasture, especially when said "partner" comes at you with some bullshit like "we've never officially been together," or "we've never officially broken up." Uhhhhhhh.... really? Well, in the state where I live, if you stop touching your spouse for over two years (that's 2 for you nonspellers), it is considered abandonment and is actually grounds for a di-fucking-vorce.

You tell me I can't get any from you, because you refuse to give it to me, and that I can't go out and find it elsewhere, and STILL expect me to find "it" among other things like affection, appreciation, respect, and acknowledgment, for you without any sort of reciprocation? I'm sorry, that's about the time when you sit your partner down and call it quits.

Do or let do, live or let live. If not, go fuck yourself.

The positives of Pasture E are:

-Awesome sex with someone who knows how to really work your buttons, when they fucking feel like it.

-Companionship... when... ditto.

-Some sort of involvement in your life... oh wait, ditto.

Uh... this is harder than I thought. Never mind.