Culmination

Sometimes you just have to stop trying to swim upstream and accept that the current is either going to drown you or exhaust you until you drown yourself. When in this situation, make it easy on yourself.

Practicality can be the best thing you ever engage in. It's easier said than done, but sometimes you just know when you've reached a limit, gone the extra mile, spilled your last glass of milk, etc., and so you feel prepared to finally let go.

The Universe will test you. Life will test you. Be strong, believe in yourself, and maintain discipline. No one, not even yourself, can sabotage you if you do these things. Most importantly, believe in your cause, and believe that something better is coming your way. You can't get out of a shitstorm unless you decide to.

Sometimes the end really does come. Some people will tell you cliches like "nothing lasts forever" and other stupid shit... but I know better. Some cycles are hard to break, some nearly impossible. But... endings really are necessary when you find yourself in a repeating conflict that you can't seem to just take charge of. So take charge. Stop the cycle. End it now.

Second Chances

...Please don't panic; I'm not contemplating one.

Do second chances ever end well? Someone like me thinks not. It's simple, if you're so right for each other, so absolutely in love with one another and whatnot; why do you need a first chance to fuck it up and hurt each other and a second one to redeem yourselves? It just makes absolutely no sense.

Perhaps it's one of those "You gotta be there to appreciate it" situations, where really, you can look from the outside but never really know what it's like unless you're on the inside. Seriously, all bullshit aside, though... when was the last time YOU gave a second chance to someone and it actually worked out well? I may be wrong for making the assumption, and judgement, that second chances are simply big "Welcome! Please have a seat and fuck me over again" signs that we put up so that we can later feel sorry for ourselves, but how could one not consider it?? Is it done on purpose? Probably not, although masochism IS real. I've witnessed it.

Anywho...

For all those of you who say things like "Third time's the charm," here's a thought:

Would You Please Make Up Your Fucking Mind?

Indecisiveness. I get it. But still; quit dragging another person up and down with you. You know, you could possibly just make things as crystal clear as you phrase them when you projectile-puke them at the other person instead of saying one thing then doing another, and then going back to your original "I thought I told you that blah blah fucking blah fuck blah."

It's infantile. Grow up. Real men (and women) actually stick with and follow through what they say they're gonna do.

The Very Famous "I'm Going To Die Alone, But I'm Fine With It" Saga

You know... some animals actually disappear into complete isolation when they sense that they're going to die. I've always found that interesting.

Anyway. If you want to die alone, do me a favor... don't get involved with someone who doesn't. As a matter of fact, don't get involved with anyone. Just put yourself in your fucking bubble and stay there, away from people who can possibly love you, and die eventually; alone, like you've always wanted.

Makes it easier on everybody.

The Ghost Of Ex-Boyfriend Past

Ever have that weird dream where someone from your past returns to make amends? Does it mean YOU want closure or that you've actually found it? Weird, isn't it?

Now, why is it that once you find yourself in a good situation, relationship-wise, more people seem to want you? It's funny, almost. You meet someone and begin to establish something, things begin to feel good, things seem to run smoothly... then all of a sudden-- your cell phone plays the standard ringtone, which means whoever is calling isn't part of the usual group of people who call you; or you get an e-mail that makes you go "What the fuck????" for days. You get the point. Ah... what to do when the Ghost visits you?

Ig-fucking-nore it... that's what. If you've had your closure, chances are, so has this loser. Even if you haven't, chances are, this person has absolutely no need to contact you, other than to make you go "What the fuck????" for a few days.

So unless this is someone you had some sort of stable, longterm friendship with--like your best friend since 8th grade or something-- there probably isn't a necessity to allow this Ghost back into your life. However, if you have the power to pick up the phone, or send a reply to that e-mail and keep this person at arms' length-- although I still think it's a terrible idea-- you might just go ahead and answer. Sometimes you need to find out whether or not you are well past the point where the Ghost has any effect on you whatsoever.

Let's Talk About Collision. Yes, Collision.

I worked for a nice man a few years ago as his paralegal. During the time I worked for him, I got to know him thanks to his sincerity and being able to speak his mind on the spot. I like people like that. So one day discussing relationships in general, we touched on the subject of in laws meeting for the first time and possibly being completely different, as in conceived, born and raised on another planet. Those gatherings are interesting.

Anyway, I happened to use an expression more or less like this: "Well, you know, it can't be easy when two completely different families sit down at one table. I mean, you get married, you want to spend a holiday with your loved ones and your wife with hers. You learn to split the holidays or be at two places at once when possible. It's only fair that when two families collide, there is equally dedicated effort to bring possible mutual interests to the table so they can get to know each other...." and blah blah blah, he cuts in: "Did you just say collide? as in.... a car wreck? that's hysterical."

I liked the way it sounded. I'm not sure I actually meant to say that introducing your significant other's family to your own is ever really meant to turn out like a car wreck. But it was still funny. I like the term, anyway.

New Curtains, New Light...?

You'd be surprised what a huge difference they can make. Yes, curtains. It's almost like opening your eyes at night when it's pitch black and not being able to see squat, then you go back to sleep and someone turns the lights on and you open your eyes once more. WOW! You missed a bunch of shit while it was pitch black... like the pure assholishness of the mold of a man you seem to keep dating. Unbelievable. At least now, when the lights go off, it's YOU turning them off, and not that dickface. Good for you!

Anyway.

I met with my friend Pablo for dinner and talked about lots of things. A really interesting, and somewhat funny story was told to me. Apparently one of his female friends was having man issues and like most people, found herself in a destructive pattern-- dating the same type of men over and over. Pablo happened to point this out to her, but then, instead of suggesting that she break the cycle in other possible ways, he says "You should date a Caucasian." Uh... excuse me, but are we really there? Really? Uh, NO.

I mean, look, I get it. Latin women, we're complicated. We are a breed of women that don't like to settle. A lot of the time, we, women in general, tend to stay in not so good situations for whatever reason. I don't want to say being Latina will make you more prone to it than others. Maybe it's the kind of female friends Pablo surrounds himself with, I don't know. I just thought at that moment... can it really, REALLY come down to that?

And then I thought of the Colombian woman stereotype. Believe it or not, not ALL Colombian-born or raised, or blood-carrying women are golddiggers; or have had intensive plastic surgery in their lifetime. Believe me, I attest to this with a passion being one of the veeeeerrrryyyy few.

My words to Pablo: "At the end of the day, I'd like to think we're all.... different. I'm sure at times it may not seem like it. We all do horrible things to one another, male, female, Latin, Caucasian, etc. I really don't want to think that the answer to your friend's problem is simply dating a white guy."

Hmm.

Then it made me think for a minute. I've dated too many Caribbean men.

One Of My Stories

Ehhh, what the hell. This might make me feel better.
Jorge is one of the men that I think about and go "OUCH" because of. Oh, yeah. Let's just say that encountering what you never knew before and seeing it's real (a.k.a. "love") can take a whole lot out of you, at any given age. Jorge was and probably is in my eyes, perfect in most ways; wise, intelligent, very easy on the eyes, funny with maybe a bit too much of morbid humor and sarcasm, but fun nonetheless. Our values, morals, beliefs and general thoughts were intertwined from the moment we met, except for one small detail. Jorge had been through his share of relationship horror and by the time we met, he no longer wanted marriage or children.  Actually, come to think of it, Jorge didn't even want a relationship at all.

We seemed to hit it off quite well the first few months.  We had fun, and probably even a bit of chemistry going on between us.  He mentioned at one point the possibility of any prospective relationship failing terribly, because his latest ones really didn't make it past the first year or so.  But, of course, he said he'd like to try and see what would happen.

Plain and simple, I should have just walked away... year in or no year into said relationship. Oh, well.  Anyway, I believe it lasted around two years, maybe a little bit more.

Many unexpected things became known.  Among those, the fact that while actively dating me, Jorge had a pregnant woman friend somewhere, expecting none other than his first child. Yes, fucker friend, Mr. No Children and No Marriage. For a long time I wondered the why's and the how's , and even through constant communication, I still did not understand.  I remember the day his phone butt dialed me and I heard for the first time as Jorge played with his year and a half old son, and denied every bit of it that night when I confronted him. 

Broken trust, to this day it's something I'm not sure one can ever repair in a relationship.

I guess the cliche has some truth to it... time just might heal some wounds.

Eventually, the disappointment, the shock, the miscommunication just sort of lessened. Only when you come to terms with the truth and how things happened are you able to cope and move on. I don't know why things happened the way they did with Jorge. Fortunately, I have found my place in his life and his place in mine. Perhaps if we had not dated, we would have been nothing more than great friends. Either way, that is what we were for a long time, and the positivity that it brought into both our lives is absolutely priceless.


Moral of the story... there are many.

TBC'd.

Back To Square One

...How fun!

Now you figure out you've wasted however much time, effort and energy you've put into a one-sided relationship. Congratulations. Now keep moving and don't look back. You'll come across "greener pastures."

Open Relationships

Ideally, one writes well when one writes what one knows. Personally, yours truly here has absolutely no experience with open relationships, but has met people who do.

The other night talking with a close friend, I got to the conclusion that most people are unhappy, unsatisfied, and extremely sexually frustrated in long term relationships. How could this be? if you're with someone for a long period of time, you'd figure you both know each other well enough to please each other or at least maintain some level of compromise in the relationship. Anyway, my friend's situation is yet another example of this type of dilemma. I know this person well enough to state that she wouldn't be game for the whole open relationship business, and most likely, neither would her husband. Now, when it's just for the purpose of a physical fulfillment, what would the person on the opposite side of the spectrum say? In other words, if you knowingly sexually neglect your spouse/partner, how can you deliberately have any objection to an option like an open relationship? For what it's worth (and really, I'm only looking at all possible sides of this situation, nothing more), there's only so much a fucking toy can do for you. So let me examine this from the side of the neglected.

Him: "Baby, I'd like to open up this relationship. I'd like to get laid on a regular basis, and if you can't deliver, it's only fair that I try elsewhere. This won't interfere with US."

Me: "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Okay, that wouldn't go well. I admit it. Let me turn the tables for a minute.

Me: "Hey, I'd like to open up this relationship. I've tried for months to make this work, and it's not happening. You seem to want to be with me in most senses, except in the biblical way. I'm not sure if there is something else I can do that I haven't tried, but if there isn't, my next option is to just look for what I want elsewhere. So.... what do you think?"

Him: "If you're going to fuck someone else, I may just stop fucking you completely."

Yeah, I can't see it working for me; at all.

I wonder if people who go for this option can make it work. I wonder about a lot of things, don't I?

And if you do opt to have an open relationship, how do you not mix one (in other words, merely a booty call) with the other (namely this long term relationship with your stable partner)? Do you set up a schedule, kind of like when you move in with someone and decide to be neurotic about who does the dishes on mondays and takes out the trash on thursdays? Or do you just lie to your partner and say you've gotta work late while you go and get off with your jump-off only to spend your weekend with your adored significant other?

I just can't see this working out well. But that's just me.

Praising Good Relationships...

... and that doesn't necessarily mean romantic or sexual.

A friend of mine e-mails me in the middle of the night while feeling philosophical. Understand that although I'm an insomniac who deeply treasures sleep when it happens, I try and make myself quite available for a phone call or message to/from a friend who is going through a difficult time. So I get this message from The Monster (his nickname and he loves it, let it go) and read it, twice. I realize that not only has this message hit me with its own impact, I realize it's done it at a very appropriate time.

The Monster's Story Of My Life

"Sitting on the kitchen counter, well inebriated, dwelling on the past and obsessing of the future as I look at my glass, seeing part of my troubles, anger, sadness and loneliness in its liquid form waiting to be swallowed and pissed away. Unfortunately that's just temporary as they are soon to reappear at some point for me to repeat this vicious process.

Do nice guys really finish last? Fucking cliches. See right now my very neglected pal Instincts kicks me in the rear reminding me that I should've listened to it and not that dumb fool a.k.a Heart, who by the way, is running out of crazy glue to keep the fucker together. Is that what I'm fated to do the rest of my life, listen to good ol' Instincts? One would say that is the safest route but damn, that sounds like one very lonely road that is coming around the bend and me with no brakes. Pathetic, ain't it? Guess it's punishment for being blind and ignorant and wishing I had listened to those who truly care about me."

We're all human... we all suffer. Male, female, gay, straight, confused, curious, etc. Life throws at us challenges that often make us doubt ourselves, even without us admitting to it. I wonder if it's possible to have a healthy relationship before being romantically clusterfucked... or do we need to clusterfuck ourselves in order to become (someday) fit, ready and willing for a good, stable relationship? Is it all part of a learning process? I wonder.

What A Bunch of Cowshit!

Ever have somebody tell you "I care for you and don't want you to see anyone else, but I'm not ready for a commitment"? As unprepared for commitment as you may be, you should just leave that decision up to the other person-- you know, the dumbass you wanna tie down to you without giving yourself 100%? Yeah, that person. Let THEM decide. Why should YOU be the one who holds the future of this relationship when you're the one that:

a) is pushing them away, shutting them out or facing your own fuckedupheadness and using it as an excuse

b) want to play the field, without them knowing that

c) gets absolutely burnt when there is a shift in control

You should not. Let them decide. If they're naive and ridiculously into you so that they opt out of the rest of their options, then so be it. But you, you've really got no say in what someone does because you're too stupid/bitter/jaded or plain ol' immature to commit.

Next time you're gonna tell someone you care for them... show it.
Never deny them their options. And never deny yourself your own options.

Special Edition-- The Only Thing I Have Revealed Is That I Love Cows

That's right, I've said it.

Here's why this is a special edition entry:

-Real life's been so hectic that I'd rather not think about it and rant.
-The other night I came up with a couple of ideas, and someone lead me to a great title.
-I can actually use this title and relate it to my "horrid love stories" blog.
-I love cows.

All right. So you meet somebody... friend, love interest, bedding accessory (or prospect, whatev), and you talk. You have stuff in common from what you can tell, and yet, you get the feeling you're not getting enough info to pinpoint where all this might go. Sometimes people will mention their experiences, or give you examples of things, or start telling you about a place they've been in only to realize that they've probably let themselves go a bit beyond their safety line. So.... they shut down before you question them, or before they feel like talking to you all night long about themselves.

At the end of the milk harvest (pun well intended), or relationship if that's what you'd prefer to call it, you might realize that as much as you know this person... all they've ever really told you is... nothing.

Now, let's turn the tables. I guess I can be charged with the same lactose violation and therefore should not stone other cows for it. But honestly, how exactly do you find comfort, establish trust, and grow some cojones to tell the truth about yourself and bear your soul to another being? How? There is always a fear of judgment, I don't care who you are, who your partner is, or how great your relationship is. A part of you will always hesitate because you fear disappointment-- maybe not in your current relationship, but I'm certain this is one of those things we all face at one point or another.

The last time I trusted someone completely with my essence (by this I mean my past, present and future, not just the other kind of essence), assumptions bounced left and right, and you cannot... I mean, excuse me-- I cannot live that way. So as much as I'd like to say "I should have communicated, said more, specified, explained myself blah blah blah," the truth is, in a moment of confrontation all I wanted to say was "The only thing I have revealed is that I love cows. There is no way you can accuse me of participating in any type of action with them, whether it's dressing them up for a tea party or slaughtering them just because of that." A true statement, ladies and gentlemen. Just because you've fucked up in the past, your partner should never anticipate a major fuck-up in your current relationship because of that.

Before you point your finger at them, remember:

You're just as human.
You've made mistakes; some probably worse than theirs.
You've probably slaughtered a metaphorical cow or two.
*Listen* and listen carefully. Mentioning something doesn't make it an admission.
Ask a lawyer. Just not a cop :-P

I realize I've written a lot about screwing up. I'm starting to think anyone who reads this will think I'm carrying something heavy within, and I'm not. I find it easier to write this way rather than rant, bitch and moan about someone who's screwed up and hurt me over, and over, and over, and over. But perhaps in my eyes allowing that to take place is my own way of fucking up.

A Break From Pasture Mowing

Let me address just one thing. When screwing up, don't beat yourself up over it... the world will do enough of that for you. Live, learn, move on.

Pasture E: Making Yourself Unavailable

...to the dating market, that is. Usually because there is someone in the picture whom you want to try to work things out with, or he/she is some type of maniac asking your for exclusivity although he/she refuses to be with you officially. Wtf? Yes. I know.

Anyway... so you've got all the elements there, communication, chemistry, great sex. Maybe one of you is intimidated by a label and refuses to give the other person a little wiggle room, or maybe you're both fucktarded and don't notice that... hello, you're already in some sort of relationship but hey, let's call it something else... or some sort of shit like that. Yet, there are no commandments/rules & regulations or even a decent mutually beneficial agreement carved in stone. How smart is this?

Yes, this can make you crazy too. So stop confusing yourself.

I have nothing positive to say about this pasture, especially when said "partner" comes at you with some bullshit like "we've never officially been together," or "we've never officially broken up." Uhhhhhhh.... really? Well, in the state where I live, if you stop touching your spouse for over two years (that's 2 for you nonspellers), it is considered abandonment and is actually grounds for a di-fucking-vorce.

You tell me I can't get any from you, because you refuse to give it to me, and that I can't go out and find it elsewhere, and STILL expect me to find "it" among other things like affection, appreciation, respect, and acknowledgment, for you without any sort of reciprocation? I'm sorry, that's about the time when you sit your partner down and call it quits.

Do or let do, live or let live. If not, go fuck yourself.

The positives of Pasture E are:

-Awesome sex with someone who knows how to really work your buttons, when they fucking feel like it.

-Companionship... when... ditto.

-Some sort of involvement in your life... oh wait, ditto.

Uh... this is harder than I thought. Never mind.

Yes... I've lost track. Here's Pasture D.

Pasture D: What You Don't Know CAN Hurt You

I can actually prove it. You may think keeping something from a significant other is saving you and/or that person grief. Sure. It may be, even. However, think very hard and very long before you decide to lie by omission. When you are put on the spot because someone's intuition or better yet, your own stupidity leads them to the truth, be ready. Be ready to either bullshit even further, or to come clean... Just know that whichever one you do will result in a great immediate disappointment.

While I can later on appreciate the reasoning behind "lies by omission," I'd like to strongly advise you against it. It's going to bite you in the ass... and if you're like me, the struggle will be greater than it should be.

The key word int his one is COMMUNICATION. That doesn't drive you nuts... but the lack thereof will kill your relationship... not even quickly and painlessly... more like slowly, messy and extremely... painful and disappointing. Ugh.

So... Whatever pasture your trotting on right now, remember that among all the things that make you crazy, you still hold control of what you say to your partner. If you communicate, you might just save a good relationship, or a great friendship... a partnership. And you know... a partnership doesn't necessarily have to consist of "serious relationship" status. You can have all the qualities, all the elements, all the right stuff, and not call it that. That... is what I'd like to name (or in the famous words of Michael Jackson's will "nominate") as Pasture E.

And I'm on my way to discuss that one next time.

Remain honest... at least to yourself. When you lie to yourself, you lie to the entire world. Don't be your own biggest disappointment.

Pasture C: Playing The Field

Ah! Perhaps the most favored pasture on this cow-harvesting land we call romantic life.

I'll tell you why playing the field can suck, because I'm sure you've already reaped the benefits of why it rocks.

One: Never mind the freedom of doing what you want, seeing who you want and of course, bedding who you want. At the end of the day (or perhaps the bright beginning of it, depending how your bedding schedule works) you're still alone. Sure, you can go have dinner with A and hit up a bar with B and wake up and shower with C, but we all know that kind of thing leaves you with temporary pleasure, nothing really worth holding onto that won't wear off.

Now, there are different ways of playing the field. You can always just spend time with your, uh, prospects and not bed them. Sure. That's fun too, but you know what that's called? Uh, having fucking friends. That's allowed, even if you were in a relationship; so long, of course, as it doesn't mean you're a fucking cheater who displays affection to their friends by fucking them.

Two: People out there are crazy! I mean, if you think you're crazy by going through your own shit, imagine how crazy someone out there can possibly be. Sure, everyone can seem normal when you meet them... not to mention first dates are full of shit. But holy hell... people out there really are crazy. Dating is no longer a normal thing you do. When you mention to your friends "I have a date tonight," there is always some sense of fear and negative anticipation-- yes, your friends know that A) you like crazies or B) you don't know how to filter them out very well. Your friend, dear loser fucker friend of mine, is fearing the repetition of a bad situation already... and they don't even know anything about this person!

Often enough, people will accuse you of the same. Perhaps we've just reached the point where we are so darn jaded that... we act crazy among each other, towards each other, in the presence of each other, etc. I myself have some dating horror stories that... perhaps will shine through sometime.

Three: Attachment. And THAT can definitely make one of the people involved EXTREMELY c-r-a-z-y....

It's messier than the melted shit on the highway I told you about before. Trust me.
Shit.

Pasture B: What The...

Fuck! Seriously.

So now you've met someone and you think you've both liked each other enough to accept one another the way you "really are." Congrats.

Most of all, I congratulate you, dear loser fucker friend of mine, for finding yourself two years down the line, still in a relationship that may have been satisfactory at one point, and you know about as well as I do, that it no longer is.

You and I both know-- let me rephrase that-- I KNOW that someday you're going to snap. All these things you hold inside and bottle up for the best of the situation of whatever the fuck, are just going to explode and spill on you like melted shit on the highway after a trailer truck's been hit with a bazooka. Yep, it's that fun. The other rad thing about having kept your cool for as long as you were unhappy is the completely clueless reaction your crappy partner will have. That look-- it's not only priceless... it's a load of crap. Yep... they know what they've been doing all along, and you better believe it.

After careful consideration and finding yourselves in a clusterfuck of shared miscommunication, you ask yourselves "What now?" and not knowing which way to go or what to do, or how to break away, one of you brilliant morons decides to just "go with the flow."

*Smacks self on forehead*

This can only lead to NO GOOD.

Your own damn hard-headedness.... THAT also makes you incredibly crazy.

Pasture A: Being Alone Can Be Tricky

...and I don't mean alone as in not having a soul around you. I mean alone as in not being able to find yourself in a good emotional place for a relationship.

Acceptance. This is also another thing that makes us crazy.

Some people can adapt easily... like chameleons... they blend in, they adapt, they don't protest. Others, fight to the death to find themselves back in that now lost comfort zone. And finally, others roll with the punches until becoming absolutely exhausted. The latter group of people don't always end up accepting entirely the new terms of their existence, but rather become exhausted and instead of wanting to continue trying to walk through a rocky mountain, they decide to go around it. That's the group I'm focusing on.

It's tricky to accept that no matter how bad you want something, you may not be ready for it. Yes! It is possible, and yes, this can happen. How do you accept it? How do you not only recognize a bad situation, or a not so bad situation, or better yet, a good situation, and admit to yourself that you're just not ready for it? How do you go from wanting it so bad, and KNOWING that you're no good for it at the moment-- yet you can't shake off what you feel and keep moving on your own?

I honestly wish I had the answer. Having recently placed myself in that third group of loser fuckers, I'm honestly out of luck and out of explanations.

I do know one thing, though.

If it's for you, it ain't going anywhere. Work for it, work hard. Be patient. Improve yourself. Fight. And be grateful that rolling with the punches has only bruised you a bit, nothing more.

AAANNNDDD This Is Why We're Crazy...

Have you ever sat around in your apartment for an entire weekend, from the moment you leave work on a friday night to the minute you're rushing your ass out the door on monday morning to try and make it on time to that same hateful place? No? I have. I've actually gone LONG weekends without even breathing one bit of purely fresh-New York City-chinese food smelling- garbage thursdays- air. Why? Have I found a safe haven in between these four walls around me? Sometimes I'd like to think so; except when I do, people around me point out that it's just not... normal. Normal? Really? Hmm.

For what it's worth, nothing and no one can come in here without me allowing it to happen. The not so good part, though, is that even I can admit I've screwed up big time and allowed not so great things into my life, and that is something I can't escape, even in here.

Comfort. THIS is why we're crazy.

Too comfortable with that crappy job that lets you get away with shit so long as you put up with low pay and shitty treatment from left and right? Too comfortable to step out of your house on a hot, humid, sunday? Is the sex just too good between you and a crappy partner, or one who is less than decent to you? Too comfortable to drive or fly more than a few miles to spend time with someone you've been curious about? Too comfortable being in a crappy relationship to try something new, always with your five cent philosophy that 'it will be crappy with anyone'? Well, friend... this is why we are crazy. Comfort, although hard to find, can be hard to break away from; and once you do (or IF you do), it can leave you feeling pretty darn c-r-a-z-y.