How To Tell Sombody's A Fucking Asshole

Surely, if anyone can appreciate morbid humor, that person is me.  Now, I really should apologize in advance, as some of these are very offensive to certain people's personas.  Truth is, if you like lame shit, it's likely you possess some of these traits, and it's likely I'm going to diss you!  So for your sake, let's hope you don't possess ALL of these.

You can easily tell somebody's an asshole if:

 

1.  They do not like, or respect Rock and Roll.

Yes, seriously.  I know it's not for everybody, but you can't deny the driving force and inspiration that this music genre still embodies today.  From young rappers to pop singers, everyone wants to be a Rock Star; everyone wants to make hits like those from Rock Stars, aaannnnddd sadly enough, everybody tries to hard to make a big impression like..... Rock Stars.  And aside from that, where do you think lyrics and studio beats came from??? Somebody somewhere said, "Shit, that bass is something worth copying," and put on their Casio keyboard, turned on some speakers and decided to attempt a horrible mockery of it.... to some Rap lyrics.  True story.

 

2.  They make fun of you for being intelligent.

Yes.  Because whether or not they will admit to it, you intimidate them with your knowledge and good conversation; and it's easier to knock you and call you names, than it is to ask you what the last word you said means because they've never heard it before, nor can they ever attempt to spell it.  Get over it, losers.  Smart is the way to go.  If you feel so insecure about your brain, go read a book, learn some grammar instead of knocking someone that's articulate when they speak!

 

3.  They don't put salt or pepper on their food.

Because usually food needs one, or the other, or both.  So if you just want to sit there with a smirk and tell people your food is fucking perfect... you're an asshole, too.

 

4.  They're from New York and won't root for any New  York Sports Team.

And no self respecting New Yorker would ever not do that!!!

 

5.  Their favorite Beatle is Paul McCartney.

Yes, you know... "the lame one."

 

6.  They don't have headphones and go on blasting music on their cell phones.

Really, dude.  No one needs to hear what you like to listen to at full blast on a subway cart. Get over yourself.  That $600 iPhone would look great with some $.99 headphones.

 

7.  They claim to be a fan of the Yankees and the Mets.

I'm from Queens.  I'm a Mets fan.  I'm also from New York, so if and when the opportunity presents itself (especially around those fuckers called the Phillies), I root for New York.  Big difference.  I am not a fan of both teams; let's clarify that.  And no one else should be!

 

8.  They flake out when you've made plans, very often.

"My grandmother's neighbor's son's niece's friend's cat died" is not the best reason not to make it to something that was planned months in advance.  That's just an asshole move.

 

9.  They ask you for help with an assignment, or a hobby, and when you help and make them look good, they take all the credit for what was done.

NEED. I. SAY. MORE??

 

10.  They chill red wine, drink warm white wine, warm beer, and water down their whiskey!

Not to be a snob, but.... learn how to drink your stuff!

 

11.  They walk into a place of business and the first thing they ask for is the restroom.

Do you fuckers not have a toilet at home? Who leaves their house without going number one or two? Assholes.

 

 

Now, if you have any more suggestions or ideas that can help the world identify assholes everywhere, please share with us.  It is important that assholes all over can be quickly recognized, and avoided.  Or beat up.  Or thrown under a bus.

 

Cheers.