"I'm Different, My Ass!"

The reality, sadly and unfortunately, is that every man and every woman are exactly the same.  We may not act it at the same exact time; but we both go through life living in small cycles during which we alternate asshole roles. 

How To Tell Sombody's A Fucking Asshole

Surely, if anyone can appreciate morbid humor, that person is me.  Now, I really should apologize in advance, as some of these are very offensive to certain people's personas.  Truth is, if you like lame shit, it's likely you possess some of these traits, and it's likely I'm going to diss you!  So for your sake, let's hope you don't possess ALL of these.

You can easily tell somebody's an asshole if:

 

1.  They do not like, or respect Rock and Roll.

Yes, seriously.  I know it's not for everybody, but you can't deny the driving force and inspiration that this music genre still embodies today.  From young rappers to pop singers, everyone wants to be a Rock Star; everyone wants to make hits like those from Rock Stars, aaannnnddd sadly enough, everybody tries to hard to make a big impression like..... Rock Stars.  And aside from that, where do you think lyrics and studio beats came from??? Somebody somewhere said, "Shit, that bass is something worth copying," and put on their Casio keyboard, turned on some speakers and decided to attempt a horrible mockery of it.... to some Rap lyrics.  True story.

 

2.  They make fun of you for being intelligent.

Yes.  Because whether or not they will admit to it, you intimidate them with your knowledge and good conversation; and it's easier to knock you and call you names, than it is to ask you what the last word you said means because they've never heard it before, nor can they ever attempt to spell it.  Get over it, losers.  Smart is the way to go.  If you feel so insecure about your brain, go read a book, learn some grammar instead of knocking someone that's articulate when they speak!

 

3.  They don't put salt or pepper on their food.

Because usually food needs one, or the other, or both.  So if you just want to sit there with a smirk and tell people your food is fucking perfect... you're an asshole, too.

 

4.  They're from New York and won't root for any New  York Sports Team.

And no self respecting New Yorker would ever not do that!!!

 

5.  Their favorite Beatle is Paul McCartney.

Yes, you know... "the lame one."

 

6.  They don't have headphones and go on blasting music on their cell phones.

Really, dude.  No one needs to hear what you like to listen to at full blast on a subway cart. Get over yourself.  That $600 iPhone would look great with some $.99 headphones.

 

7.  They claim to be a fan of the Yankees and the Mets.

I'm from Queens.  I'm a Mets fan.  I'm also from New York, so if and when the opportunity presents itself (especially around those fuckers called the Phillies), I root for New York.  Big difference.  I am not a fan of both teams; let's clarify that.  And no one else should be!

 

8.  They flake out when you've made plans, very often.

"My grandmother's neighbor's son's niece's friend's cat died" is not the best reason not to make it to something that was planned months in advance.  That's just an asshole move.

 

9.  They ask you for help with an assignment, or a hobby, and when you help and make them look good, they take all the credit for what was done.

NEED. I. SAY. MORE??

 

10.  They chill red wine, drink warm white wine, warm beer, and water down their whiskey!

Not to be a snob, but.... learn how to drink your stuff!

 

11.  They walk into a place of business and the first thing they ask for is the restroom.

Do you fuckers not have a toilet at home? Who leaves their house without going number one or two? Assholes.

 

 

Now, if you have any more suggestions or ideas that can help the world identify assholes everywhere, please share with us.  It is important that assholes all over can be quickly recognized, and avoided.  Or beat up.  Or thrown under a bus.

 

Cheers.

 

 

 



Our Time Has Passed

How do you accept that an opportunity you once had, has now come and gone, and you've missed it?  That's one of the lessons you learn as an adult, and most importantly, as a human being.  What you think will be there forever, or for longer than you think, will not.

This lesson in life applies to many aspects of living, whether it be educational and career opportunities, friendships, family members, activities and relationships.  As for career opportunities, I am a strong believer that you can always push yourself to accomplish almost anything.  It may sound like a cliché, but only when you experience the possibility yourself, and decide to get up off your ass and make shit happen, does shit really fucking happen.  That's the reality.

Now, when it comes to friendships, you should not take for granted those who lent you an ear, gave you a hand, or shared good and bad times with you.  Don't put off that phone call you've been meaning to make.  Don't cancel those dinner and drinks with your long time friend because you're too tired from work.  Make an exception; your friends (and actually, your family too), can be gone from one day to the next, leaving you with extreme regret and sorrow that you never made that person enough of a priority to see them or talk to them-- and now, they're gone.  I'm not trying to be grim here, fuckers.  I'm just saying, when you don't appreciate people, they get tired, they move on, or at least greatly reduce their involvement with you.

So...  if you've got great friends and a loving family, appreciate that; appreciate the people that put up with you when you're down, and share their laughter with you when you're not.

When it comes to living life, don't put off something you've always wanted to do.  It's understandable that financial strain will put a pause on many of your plans, but your responsibilities will always be there.  You should live life while you have the chance, or make the chance happen.  It may sound difficult, and it may even be very difficult, but in the words of one of my favorite athletes of all time, "IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING." - Muhammad Ali.   Therefore, live life.  Take that trip.  Buy that motorcycle.  Go parachuting.  Jump out of a plane, because you can.  Go hunt a wild boar.  Learn to dance.  Write a bad romance novel, if you'd like to.  Why the fuck not?

Now, let's move on to the part that would concern you, my readers, the relationships part. There are three kinds of relationships, in my eyes.  In no particular, special or specific order, they are:  Good relationships, Bad relationships, and Gray area never ending bullshit back and forth games.  Moving on....

Healthy relationships are those in which there is constant work and effort to improve the quality of life of all parties involved, a.k.a. situations where the positive constantly outweighs the negative.  Unhealthy are those where ego, selfishness, and other things take over the will of one or more parties involved to improve said quality of life.  You know, situations where the negative heavily outweigh the positive. The in between gray areas are those where one or more parties have issues making a commitment and yet for some reason can't fully walk away, can't allow you to move on with your life, can't seem to detach from memories, and won't completely treat you like a complete asshole either; making the situation even more difficult to surpass.

In the event someone you shared a bond with over a few years, decides to return to your life and make an effort to right the many wrongs they once did, it's important to remember that just as all bad things pass, all good things do as well.  Sometimes you have to sit down, and wonder how to articulate those feelings of hopelessness and assertion that indeed, your opportunity has ended.  You can't buy time, and you can't buy will.  That's the lesson, ladies and gentlemen.  While money can get you many wonderful things, it can't change the laws of life. 

Take advantage of your youth, of your abilities, of your intelligence, and live life.  The moment may rise when you'll want to BE better, DO better, LIVE better; and it may just be too fucking late.

In Vino, Veritas

If you're anything like me, you've found yourself babbling away, or listening to someone babble recklessly about their love life at some point in your life.  I'm not talking about drunk-texting or drunk-dialing.  I'm talking about that point during a pleasant dinner conversation when you know you feel way too comfortable and some shit's just gonna fly out of your mouth, whether anyone likes how it sounds or not.  And yes, it IS possible to know exactly when that point is reached; and continue through ignoring any consequences.  I call this the Truth Vent.

I guess before we can jump into one of my stories, I can suggest some very good "truth serum" cheap brands I've had the pleasure of tasting.  Then we can move on to the "Oh, Snap" part of the blog.

In order of my favorite, most to least:

1.  Casillero del Diablo (Chilean)
Now, this brand, whether it is a chardonnay (My fav, by the way), a merlot, or a cabernet, has a recognizable and unforgettable taste.  Don't ask me what it tastes like, because more than likely I will say "Nirvana."  And at around no more than $8 a bottle, you can't EVER go wrong with it.  Ever.  Trust me.

2.  Yellow Tail (Australian)
The good thing about this brand, is they actually carry really big fucking bottles.  If you buy the small ones for $11-$13 a pop, you can't lose.  But I'd much rather get that big jug-fucker for maybe 2 bucks more.  My personal favorite is also their chardonnay, but they have shiraz that will knock the socks off my feet any random night.

3.  Jacob's Creek (Also Australian, but started by a Bavarian immigrant)
You have to forgive me, as I may seem a bit biased in my preference for chardonnay. 
Let me shake my head in shame, and walk away with a bottle of this absolutely captivating white.

4. .... Alright, I think I've advertised enough cheap wine.  Let's get on with it.

So, one night after having dinner and one of those BIG bottles of Yellow Tail with a friend, it somehow seemed like a good idea to dial The Terrible's phone number.  That's actually his name. I don't know how his mother didn't know it when she had him, lol.  After being asked what was wrong and was I intoxicated, of course being under the influence of my own feelings, I let out a big long cry.  There may have been things said about my personal unhapiness with the world, my  love life (which quite frankly he pretty much ran at the time), my career, or lack thereof, and so forth.  I recall feeling an extreme and deep sadness that I was quite clueless as to how or if I could overcome. 

The phone went down onto the floor and smashed into two, maybe three big pieces.  I woke up still in tears to hear loud, obnoxious knocks on my door, and my name being called out loudly by not one, but several men.

Now, when you find paramedics and police officers outside your door because the words you said to someone while rightfully wasted were misinterpreted-- to me, that's quite an exaggeration.  But among all the verbal diarrhea I may, or may not have had that night, one thing remained the honest truth; and it needed to be said....

That man will always remain Terrible.
And no amendment to his words, actions or the damage he caused will ever make things right.
But aside from that "episode," yours truly can attest to having some of the best goddamn friends on the planet, whom have always positively encouraged change and to move forward.  And on that particular night, I learned to appreciate the person who spent the night taking care of me, long after the embarrassment set in and faded away.

CHEERS! Now, put your fucking phones away.

For He Who...... Whateverrrrr.....!

Things no one prepares you for:

v  In a marriage, you will see bad, ugly, sometimes even unacceptable things coming from your spouse. 

v  Sometimes the change you wait for comes about too slowly to call it “progress.”

v  Anger can control from what you eat one day, to what you feel next week.

v  Your spouse sometimes dresses up the truth to avoid hearing “I told you so.”

v  You doubt yourself and your decision-making and wonder if you’re the only one making sacrifices.

v  Forgiveness is hard.

v  The truth hurts.

v  There may not be as many joyous moments as you hoped for.

v  Routine is a killer.

v  Boredom triggers problems.

v  Trust is delicate, and can be damaged easily.

v  Trust is hard to regain, rebuild and re-possess.

v  Love is measured in effort.

v  Effort is measured in actions.

v  Actions don’t always fix the damage caused by words.

v  You can’t take back hurting your spouse. But you can hope to make up for it by doing something to make them happy.

v  You can reassure your spouse time and time again that you love them, but only your actions will prove it.

v  Money is never enough.

v  Money does not equate happiness.

v  Love and money have a hate/hate relationship.

v  Your past creeps up on you and your spouse even if you try to bury it.

v  Whatever you hide will come out from underneath you and blow up in your face.

v  Your spouse has to be your best friend.

v  You have to be absolutely sure that you are in love with your spouse.

v  Nothing is ever easy.  But it’s easier when you work together.

v  Not everything is always happy. But it’s happier if you are together.

v  Your spouse’s wants and needs should be a priority to you.

v  Your spouse’s happiness must be a priority to you.

v  You must pull energy out of wherever you can to support your spouse and their dreams.

v  Comfort when you are down is essential. You must offer this, give it selflessly, and ask for it when you need it.

v  You should hear that you are loved every day of your life with your spouse.

v  When you take your spouse for granted, they suffer.

v  Life is too short, and you must value your spouse and your time with them.

v  A mutual hobby helps with stress.

v  Love alone isn’t enough. You must build the relationship on respect, trust and understanding.

v  In order for you to love the right way, you can’t hold back. You also have to love selflessly.

v  Your kindness will be rewarded.

v  Family shouldn’t divide you; it should unite you.

v  Sometimes family can make things difficult.

v  A couple should complement itself—two halves that make one unit work well.

v  You should feel complete with one another.

v  You should never want to feel incomplete again.

v  Neglect ends in solitude.

v  Lying ends in solitude.

v  Pride ends in solitude.

v  Disappointing your spouse ends in solitude.

v  Love needs to be kept alive.

v  Stress takes a toll on your attitude towards life, and love.

v  Show appreciation in a way your spouse will understand.

v  No communication means no desire to know your spouse.

v  No one should know your spouse better than you.

v  Marriage is hard. But it’s even harder when you forget these things.

Your Freedom Is Priceless

Never underestimate being alone, for it may be the only time in your life where you find true satisfaction in doing anything you do; even when doing it without a good reason.

You are the keeper of your own time, your own rules, your own space.  No one other than yourself should ever restrict you from living your life the way you want to live it.

At the very first glance, it's difficult to see, and accept, when your freedom has been taken away.  Do not confuse changing and making necessary sacrifices for others with letting them or any circumstance stop you from being you.

Stability is usually only temporary, but inner peace of mind and to be satisfied with yourself and where you're at, that's gotta be more longterm.

When you lose hope in other people, or even one other person, keep in mind that the only hope that really matters is the one you need to have in yourself.

Anything that brings you down, must disappear before you can get yourself back up.

The Punctured Male Ego

Men are clueless.  Just to make things clear for you neanderthals, when another member of the female species happens to compliment, or hit on your woman, it could be handled in some simple ways with little repercussions, if you don't allow your self-absorbed-caveman-attitude to take over in less than .0184 seconds.

Now, most ordinary men would probably jump at the opportunity of their beloved being hit on by another chick, but if that's not your style... you know what else works?  A good banging to reinforce that heterosexuality that perhaps too many drinks and a lot of attention from another human being may or may not seem to distort.

At what point does a man realize that his ego is actually the least important in a situation like this?  Perhaps, loser fuckers, the issue is a lot deeper than it seems and your relationship's foundation is overall cracking and descending, shifting with each daily fuckup of yours.

Now, I'm not saying there is a right or wrong way of handling this situation.  But it doesn't take a motherfucking rocket scientist to figure out that blaming or getting pissed at your significant other is the solution.  In fact, it's just the tip of the shit-berg.  I hope you have a nice, heavy duty umbrella for this one.  The shitstorm's just about to start.

Sex Appeal

For men, I believe it's very visual. A woman looks a certain way, and his biological fuck needle starts to shake. For women, not so much. Sure, we have our stages in life where we act or feel the same way as men, but mostly, we look for some sort of trait that makes YOU, the one loser fucker we choose, different from the rest. Yep, it's true. Trust me.

Now, I am all for gawking at eye candy. I'm actually a complete sucker for a man in a good suit. However, conversation with said good looking man in a good suit is just as important. Perhaps at one point or another you meet somebody that's absolutely so good at not talking because you're too busy to even come up for air that you might not really give a shit; but when you do, as a woman, we tend to pray that this dude isn't going to have verbal diarrhea with nonsense or sound plain ol' dumb as rocks.

One big factor that I believe can stimulate any relationship is good conversation, and a variety of exchanges of intellectual thought. Sure, I can sit and sip my wine while you go on and on about your job, or how your uniform got stained, or how new model cars are looking these days, but it wouldn't hurt to hear something of value from time to time. Actually, it'd be pretty fucking nice.

You shouldn't take offense to a woman saying something like this. It doesn't take a rocket scientist or Harvard graduate to come up with good conversation. And please, don't fuck yourself over by faking it either. That's most certainly worse.

Okay, so the other day I was talking to my good friend and confidant, Ginger. We have been lucky enough to date a pair of neanderthal brothers in our past. Now, we don't like to share and exchange shit about them, but it's bound to happen at some point as we talk about new relationships and so forth. On one occasion, I had the misfortune to receive a very graphic "compliment" from Mr. Terrible (Yes, I mean it, that's his name). Something along the lines of when he'd have the pleasure to perform a certain tongue-related action to a part of my body "where the sun don't quite shine" once again. Listen, men, I am all for dirty, filthy talk, but this shit was just not sexy. Funny enough, this is a man who really can't talk about anything else (maybe sports, as he keeps track of life's daily events according to baseball and basketball scores-- the loser). It's like Chris Rock said in one of his specials: a man with enough time to practice great technique in the sack can't have a full time job (or some shit like that). It would be safe to assume he may also not have time to read a fucking book. :-)

I have a 17 year old nephew who makes me laugh quite a lot. He thinks ignoring girls at school seems to make them like him. He also dislikes "small talk." Being that I'm a woman, and was once a high school girl myself, I tell him small talk is actually what will get him laid. Only horny older women seem to appreciate the straight to the point approach of "Let's go, you know what time it is." Ah, classy. I wish he weren't rebelling and would listen. And speaking fo classy, a rad compliment I got recently was that of a comparison of one of my photos to a modern day Aphrodite. That was nerdy, sexy and classy at the same time.

I wish most men knew who Aphrodite was.

So yes, intelligent men are sexy. And you don't have to scream "sex" to make a conversation absolutely engaging. Now let me go finish my crossword puzzle while I watch CNN in my heels..................

H.e.a.l.i.n.g .....

It is a never, ever ending process; because just when you're about to completely stand the fuck up, someone else decides to stick their foot out and trip you.

After a long, much needed hiatus, yours truly may have recovered a will to write again. I use the word "may" because although there is always something to write about, there may not always be a will to do so.

In the past this blog emphasized on relationships and human behavior that quite honestly does not make any sense. While you may find yourself completely bored, and then pleasantly surprised to see that there is a new post on this blog, let's just call shit by it's real name. Pessimistic, jaded and heartbroken individuals who may find humor in another's horror stories-- That's what's in here. This time around, however, I think I have new material (Yes! imagine that! New horror stories) to share, which eventually, and hopefully, will sound funny enough to help you heal from your own real life bullshit experiences. If not, then I hope you can at least get a goddamn laugh out of it-- and if I fail to even do that, perhaps we can make a pact with Satan and he can give to you the time you wasted reading my motherfucking shit.

Now, let's proceed.....................

Life Is A Joke

Especially when it takes away your reason to have hope.